So this may sound crazy and maybe I am but I just finished my first cleanse and I can’t wait to start another one!
I entered this cleanse with a lot of fears. I know that I am not completely healed that there is a lot more to do and some of you may say this is a placebo but whatever it is or whatever the reason I do not care. For the first time in months I feel clear, I am in less pain, and I look forward to today. This may not seem like a huge deal but for me it is. These are things that rarely happen and when they do they are moments of sheer ecstasy.
I have a list of things I am in the process of doing to help and I plan on sharing them in this blog so that a year from now I can look back and see where I was, what helped, what didn’t and as a place to remember there are good days when in the midst of bad days.
What I expected when I cleansed:
What I got was a different story:
I was NEVER hungry!
I know you don’t believe me I wouldn’t believe me either. But it is true, I was never hungry there were times where I wanted something but I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted something to chew.
I was really tired the second day but nothing horrible.
I DID NOT expect the tears.
On the close of the second day I broke. Poor Eric neither one of us expected this. But the floodgates opened and a torrent of emotions came flooding out. I did not know that physical cleanses can lead to emotional cleansing. First let me say that I had not had any form of pain meds for 2 days at this point. My body hurt so bad I hadn’t slept the night before and the pain was so intense I was sure that I couldn’t take it. I have to admit that I did end up taking a pain pill later that night and a Motrin the next day. This was after a lot of coercion from Eric, not to mention I really needed some kind of release. Maybe I could have worked through it without but I didn’t, what I did release was a lot of fear. I was truly honest in that moment with Eric, there was no distractions, no meds, not even the TV was on and I cried, I was completely vulnerable and my husband gave me what I needed. He got up and held me while I cried. I cried for the pain that wouldn’t stop, I cried because I wanted the life I had two years ago, I cried because I was afraid this was who I would always be. I cried because I had no idea how to make it better for anyone let alone myself. I didn’t know my body had so many tears stored up.
I also found I had a lot of anger at people I thought I had already forgiven. For friends who vanished when I got sick, for family that never showed up, for doctors who didn’t listen and let me get really sick, for the incompetence of the hospital the first time I went there. So now I know I am angry and I know I have to forgive everyone. I had to forgive the friends who vanished and choose to be grateful, it allowed others friends to show up. I had to forgive family who never showed and thank the family that never left. I had to forgive the doctors for the bad medical care (this is gonna take some time) and be grateful for the good doctors and hospitals. These were the easiest to forgive however the person I am maddest at is me. I didn’t fight back when I knew there was a problem, yes, I did call them repeatedly, yes my family told them there was something wrong but I let them tell me everything would work out in time. I wasn’t in charge. I let the doctors ignore me when I knew something was wrong. I stopped listening to my own wisdom.
I am furious with my body! Didn’t my body know that I have had to let go of the need to control in a lot of areas of my life but for god’s sake let me control what my body is doing. Shouldn’t I be able to control what my body does? The answer I am learning is yes and no. I can control what health care decisions I make, what treatments I receive, and what I put into my body. I cannot control how it responds but I can control how my spirit, my soul, my very essence responds. What I learned is that anger at what is will not make what is better only more painful. I realized that all these negative emotions were doing nothing but making me sicker. I had to relax into what is and stop fighting it and instead embrace what this time in life is teaching not only me but my family and have a sense of gratitude for the spiritual lessons we are learning.
My favorite quote is:
”We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
So now matter what my physical body is doing my soul is safe and healthy.
So you are probably wondering what crazy cleanse did I do this is the cleanse I followed:
I also took peppermint oil drops on my tongue whenever I felt nauseous. I used PanAway when my joints hurt and soaked nightly for at least thirty minutes in Epsom Salts and 6 drops Thieves. I also had my diffuser going all of the time with different essential oils. Again these are just things I tried for myself and I am not advising anyone on anything.
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