Hello, my name is Michelle; I am a crazy, neurotic, guilt ridden wife, mother, and daughter. No one told me that this is what you become when caring for a parent who has a chronic illness. You live in a state of panic. There is no decision that can be made without first wondering how it will affect that person, how it will affect you if you do it, or god forbid you don’t do it. Simple things can quickly become complicated. What you use to do before with no thought, now you are left wondering was that the best choice. Guilt plagues your every minute. Oh yeah and it is the guilt over the stupid stuff that will really drive you crazy. Here let me tell you an example, this is my night last night. Don’t worry you can laugh I know I am a crazy, I embrace it. 😉
So I get up at the crack of dawn because Eli has a basketball game and I have to go to work so I must get ready early. I go to the game, I leave in the middle of it, and I work until 5. During work a women spills an entire bottle of perfume on me. Of course it is not the kind I like, it is the one I hate. So now, I smell like a whorehouse. No one ever wakes up and thinks, today I want people to walk by me and be like hmm, whore???? I get off work; I should go and check on my dad, but I SMELL LIKE A WHOREHOUSE. So I have an insane conversation with myself only to decide if I think I smell like a whorehouse I am sure my dad would appreciate me going home and washing up. He doesn’t want to smell that. So I head home and call dad to see how his day was and how he is feeling. He is fine, a little tired but all in all he seems great so I feel okay staying home.
Only, to spend the remainder of the evening feeling guilty for coming straight home, having a glass of wine, and reading for an hour before Eric and the boys get home. Now mind you, I am lucky if I get an hour a week alone so a quiet house is a luxurious thing. Back to the story, so I go to bed only to sleep like crap, waking up every half hour feeling like a horrible daughter for coming home. Going through a list of things that could go wrong in the middle of the night that I will forever hate myself for if I get up in the morning and any of them have happened. When I am not worrying about that I am worrying about tsunamis, sick kids, my mom feeling overwhelmed with all the care-taking she has to do between her mom and my dad, do I need new tires, what if the ones I have aren’t good then we could have a blow out and everyone but me could die, did Joe do enough school this week, Ashlin’s back, did I give enough hugs and kisses, how about enough I love you. Crap, I didn’t read to Nola on Friday, I wonder does she feel sad and unloved now. Yeah I know I am crazy!
So back to my intro, Hello, my name is Michelle, I am crazy, fearful, guilty, neurotic, anxiety ridden, and oh and I have a sick sense of humor about it. That is the truth of my life at this moment. You gotta love it!