The last two weeks have been crazy busy. I have traveled over 1500 miles in 4 days, to attend a wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, with a beautiful bride!
I have started yet another year of homeschooling, I have received a phone call that has the possibility of changing my yet ever changing life, I have not felt well, and I have just celebrated 24 years of marriage.
I am always amazed how just a few words can rock your world. I was told I was lucky to be married for so long and then asked what is the secret. Now these questions wouldn’t have been so difficult if, I hadn’t just been asked to consider writing a book. People I love have brought this up throughout my life but this was the first time that someone that I don’t know well and who is a respected author, has asked me. The one thing she told me is that if I was to write this book I would have to be real, I would have to tell my story from my perspective and that there would be pain along the way. She compared it to giving birth without painkillers. I have done this twice and the last time, well lets just say I never did it again and I don’t think there are words to describe the pain I suffered. So this comparison doesn’t have me jumping up and down ready to start. But it does have me taking a journey into my past and the road that has led me to where I am today.
I am not lucky to be married for so long. Luck has absolutely nothing to do with the length of time I have been married.
Work, lots of hard work and sacrifice has everything to do with it.
I find it funny when people look at my life from the outside and assume that this path has been lined with gold streets and glitter flowers. Has there been times when the streets were smoother and a few glitter flowers blossomed and a butterfly or two flew in our path? Yes, but those have been far and few between.
As a gift to my husband I put together a slideshow of our years together, it was beautiful and from looking at it you would assume those gold streets were real, but if I let you believe that I would be selling you Fool’s Gold. There are at least 5 pictures in that slide show were I am not only miserable, but where I am actively planning our divorce, or have just come back after separating for awhile. In fact, in one of those pictures divorce papers had been signed and we were together only because a family emergency came up. Thank the heavens for unseen blessings.
This picture was taken on our 24th anniversary, all smiles and gold roads right? Nope, just 24 hours ago I was sitting alone in my car, with my Life360 turned off. I was so stuck in my temper tantrum I didn’t want anyone to find me. We rarely fight anymore, we just don’t see the point but the morning of Sept. 20th we had a doozy. I would like to blame him but the truth was for the first time in my adult life I was looking full force into how I had spent the last 24 years living in a place of emotional childhood. I had expected him to fix, heal, honor, protect, and provide for me. I was REALLY angry, not at him but at myself. Instead of being an emotional adult and telling him that, I threw one hell of a temper tantrum.
What is Emotional Childhood?
Brooke Castillo explains it like this:
“When we are functioning as emotional children, we are blaming other people for how we feel, for how we act and for the results we get in our life. “
I was all in with my toddler nature, I even ran away for two hours. Not because of anything Eric had or hadn’t done but because I have done too much internal work to stay stuck in emotional childhood, but I really wanted to stay there for awhile. I wanted what I was feeling to be Eric’s fault, I wanted the fact that we have never been on a honeymoon to be his fault but it wasn’t. Do I really want to go on that honeymoon? I am not sure anymore, there are so many conferences that I want to attend and so many places that I am being asked to go and talk to that I think I may want to spend my money going there instead. I need to own that my wants have changed and not blame him.
I wanted to blame everyone and everything but me. The blame however was fully on my shoulders. Me and only me are responsible for how I feel and what I think about. If I want to go on a honeymoon that is completely in my control. A child says give me, do it for me, an adult sees what needs to be done and does it. A child blames someone else for what they are feeling; an adult owns that they are responsible for what they feel. So I ran away and what I found is no matter where I went I was still there, still behaving like a child.
I often tell my clients that the hard work doesn’t get easier. I think I am wrong, hard work is hard work but how long it lasts depends on how much work you are willing to do, how much responsibility you are willing to take for what you are choosing to think in any situation and if you are ready to be honest with yourself. You are responsible for how you feel, not your parents, not your boss, not your children, and not even your husband.
So I won’t promise you Fool’s Gold what I will promise is that the smiles you see came from doing the work, for owning my part in my own happiness. For allowing myself the grace and space to feel the painful feelings but understanding that I choose them.
I am an adult!
You are an adult!
You are the only one who determines how you feel!
Now go ahead and watch my fun little video, full of real gold and all the pain that went into refining it.
|This slideshow made with Smilebox|
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