This picture rocked my world and led me to reevaluate my thoughts.
Here I was surrounded by amazing souls, learning amazing new things, and I adore the people in this picture but all I could see was me, the fat ugly me. When this picture was taken I was at my highest weight ever. I had ballooned up to 224 lbs. I thought that all my hatred for my body was about the number on the scale or the fat on my body. But looking back over the years I have always hated my body. Whether I was an anorexic 95lbs or 224 lbs all I saw was flaws and fat.
These thoughts are not new to me. I have thought I was fat most of my life. In his picture I weigh about 110lbs. and I never stopped thinking if only I would lose 20 more pounds then I would be perfect. Sit-ups were a drug and food an indulgence.
I am seven months pregnant and I am disgusted at how fat I am all the time. Many nights are spent with me laying in bed crying.
I have a ten month old in this picture, I am with my Aunt Billie, but my thoughts tell me I am huge, unloveable, gross, that I don’t measure up.
Through the years my body has gained and lost hundreds of pounds but what has never been lost is the emotional weight I have carried. I have either starved or feed my emotions for as long as I can remember. I have never fully allowed myself to be at peace with and love the body I have at the time. That was until I worked with Brooke Castillo and started doing The Work by Byron Katie. Byron Katie says, “The body is never our problem. Our problem is always a thought we innocently believe.” I love this because I didn’t set out to hate my body, I just believed my thoughts about my body. I didn’t realize that my body was just a physical manifestation of not being tuned into me. The problem was I was believing my thoughts and I wasn’t and hadn’t made me and my health a priority in my life.
Once I realized that my body didn’t hate itself, it was totally cool with itself, everything changed. The only problem with my body was the thoughts I was choosing to think about it. And I could change that.
So how did I change this?
Instead of judging my body I just started saying I have a body. I started to recognize all the amazing things that it was able to do.
Instead of thinking my body was a curse, I started to view this body as an amazing gift from a loving Creator. This body is the gift I was given when I agreed to come here. If this body is a gift that I was given how was I treating it? How was I taking care of the gift that had helped me travel this world, that carried and nourished three of my babies? I screamed at it, punished it, and treated it no better than a piece of garbage, starving or bingeing it for the last 25 years. This was not a painless recognition. This required me to sit with all the emotions that came up and believe me there was a lot.
After the dust had settled and I cleared off the shelves that were once filled with negative thoughts I realized I had to start creating new thoughts. I had to accept the body I had right now, in this moment. I had to be grateful and loving towards it. I had to take care of it. Rejecting myself no longer worked. Hating my body rarely made me thin and if it did it was because I was starving my body and that never brought the results my soul craved.
So now when I am hungry I check to see if I am feeling the sensation of hunger or if there is a need or emotion I am trying to avoid. Does my body want fuel or does my mind want to escape into an organic bag of chips? I don’t care how healthy a food is, it has calories and if you eat a bag of organic chips you will gain weight. I eat super healthy yet I am still overweight.
Next, I went to the gym. This gift needed to be strong, not thin but strong. I am surprised at how powerful working out makes me feel. I also decided that working out was a gift I was giving back to my body. This was self care at its finest. The minute I changed my thought from I have to work out, to working out is something I do for me, EVERYTHING changed! From the minute I put my shoes on, it is about self care. I get into my car put on a podcast while I am heading to the gym, at the gym I care for my body, and then on the way home another podcast or I download my thoughts into a voice memo while I am driving, this cares for my mind. I now start every day doing something for me. I start 5 days out of the week caring for the one and only body I will get in this life. not only do I feel better emotionally and physically, I have more to give to everyone in my life.
I may never have a super thin body, my natural body may be curvy, and I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is the 3 tons of emotional weight I had been carrying around or the lie that I am a victim of my genetics/health problems. I am losing the emotional weight and you know a cool side effect is of losing all this mental weight, I am losing weight in a body that I love, accept, and am grateful for as it is right now. Hating my body never changed it, but loving it is changing it a lot.
This is the picture I took today. I weigh in at 212lbs. I have lost over 8 inches but I am able to look back at each of these pictures and see the story behind them. I am able to relive the memories, I am able to look into the face of my Aunt Billie, who no longer has a physical body and see a beautiful picture of us when we were together with no judgments as to how my body looks. Daily I am losing the emotional weight, I am in love with this magnificent gift and I cherish it every second of everyday.
You too, can lose the emotional weight. You can love the body you are in. I can help you do that. Changing your thoughts not only changes your life, it can change your body. Lose the emotional weight and the rest will follow.
If you are ready to lose the emotional weight, schedule a free mini session with me here: