I am showing up in all my raw, broken, hurt, betrayed, tired, yet blessed self. I have looked for ways to write for weeks now, yet words often have failed me. Screaming, yelling, throwing things, tears that have fallen so hard and so fast I was sure that there wasn’t one left, only to find there were thousands more, waiting to be released. I have found hatred can still bloom in my heart. I have found peace is not always a river but more like a desert oasis, Offering You Holy Water when the journey feels overwhelming.
I have seen and learned that people I thought were angels are actually demons. I have watched as “friends” took my hopes and dreams and made them their own with no regard to how it could hurt me. I have watched as “friends” have attacked my family. I have watched a cavern develop between the Love of my life and myself, a cavern that I am unsure we will ever be able to cross. I have watched as my health takes one step forward and two steps back because we live in a country where sickness is Golden, for those who have the gift of healing. And wellness, is for those with pockets far deeper than mine. I have learned that for every cure there is a side effect waiting in the wings. I have learned that overnight, everything you thought you knew could shatter. I have learned that the demons you thought you had slayed were only lying low and waiting for the right moment to attack.
I have learned that NO, Everything Does Not Happen For A Reason. That that is a human way to make sense of the senseless and to try to make our deep pain and trauma mean something. It is normal we want to believe in hope and reason. But sometimes there is no reason, monsters are real and they are hiding behind kind faces.
Why now have I decided to be open and raw and write without intent or reason?
It will sound silly to some and yet to others it will make perfect sense. As the days pass, I watch as clumps of hair fall out. With every clump I hold in my hand, I feel a call to a place where life was safe and monsters where only in fairy tales. I spent my early childhood in a church that many would say is dogmatic but I don’t remember it that way. I remember it as a place were I was safe. Where angels where everywhere and I never questioned if I was safe, I just was. As women and young girls we didn’t cut our hair in this church. It was our glory and protection, a gift from G*d.
1 Corinthians 11
6 For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head.
10 It is for this reason that a woman ought to have authority over her own head, because of the angels.
11 Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.
12 For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.
15 but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering.
Yesterday, my brilliant and gifted hair stylist for the last ten years confirmed what I already knew my hair isn’t just shedding it is falling out in great quantity. As you can tell the front is fine but the back, where I have had procedures done is thinning. She is gifted and has been able to style it, so it looks less thin. Vanity almost kept me from sharing this raw and painful photo, but in this post, I am being just that raw and unfiltered, so not to share would be inauthentic. I do believe we become powerful when we are vulnerable and in this I am very vulnerable.
The reasons for why are many. It could be stress, yes I have endured a lot lately. It could be the medications I am on. Or it could be the only thing that has given me some relief, it could be the nerve block and now Botox injections. While it is rare it can happen and of course now, when I am most vulnerable I am losing my covering. I keep reminding myself it is just my hair. But for years I have grown it and while I am not as strict as some, in a way to honor my husband and G*d, I have kept it long. So, we have decided to cut some off and hope that with increased vitamins it will start to grow back. But now I am faced with the choice do I, if insurance lets me and the mess between them and the doctor’s office gets figured out, continue to receive medical treatment that may end up leaving me with little to no hair, no covering?
Is this a punishment? Or is this just life? I am tired of fighting, since I was 16 and learned I was carrying the most Sacred Gift, Life, I have fought. I have fought demon after demon, I have slayed dragons, I have won battles that would have crumpled the strongest of women.
I Am An Expression Of The Divine, but I am so tired.
I am so tired of hearing and believing that, Everything Happens For A Reason.
That is not, true.
Women aren’t raped, for a reason. Children don’t die, for a reason. Atrocities do not happen, for a reason. I have learned that NO, Everything Does Not Happen For A Reason. That is a human way to make sense of the senseless and to try to make our deep pain and mean something. I mean if it happened for a reason then of course there was no way to avoid it. It releases us of our pain and guilt. It is normal we want to believe in hope and reason. But sometimes there are no reasons and monsters are real and they are hiding behind faces of angels.
There are Rainbows
In everything we go through there are rainbows and lessons, I believe it is our job to find them. First we have to come to a place where we are willing to face that Not Everything Happens For A Reason but that We Make A Reason. If we can hold tight, accept that there are things outside of our control, and keep our eyes looking to the horizon we will find it and it will arrive. It will be the rainbow that shows up in the midst of your storm. Your storm may not be over but it will be there to remind you that today is not the day to give up. That with time and love you will see the sun again. The landscape may have changed, You will have changed but from the darkest of nights comes the brightest of days. Rainbows always arrive, you just have to make them. You have to be willing to turn straw into gold.
You Will Become The Warrior!
I am not fully there, yet. I am taking hope from small rainbows. I see the landscape around me shifting and turning. I feel myself turning and inside and out. I see my heart lying in a million pieces broken. I Know that there is a way to put it back together. I Know I will never be the same and I am learning to be okay with that.
I Now KNOW:
Everything Does Not Happen For A Reason
I NOW KNOW:
I Will Find The Rainbow!
I Have The Power To Find A Reason!