I have been hoping that I would be blogging about this from a place where pain was no longer issue. That is not the case today and I don’t know when that will happen. So, the time has come for me to get real and honest and share what is going on. I decided to show up even when it hurts like hell and I am scared.
For the last few months, I have been suffering from debilitating pain in my head. I have given birth to three kids, two of them with no pain killers. One of them had an extremely complicated birth, with Pitocin, that one with no pain killers, and yes I am bragging about that. I have suffered a cardiac arrest. I have lived successfully with chronic pain. I have suffered in the past from migraines but even this did not prepare me for the head pain I have been experiencing. I wish there was a way to explain it, the closest I could get is that is feels like a migraine on steroids or like my head in caving in, exploding, even touching my head can be excruciating. The pain so intense at times, I was suicidal. Yes, it has been that bad.
I have tried everything to make it stop. I have seen a Western Doctor, a Chiropractor, a Nutritional Practitioner, an Ayurvedic Practitioner, an Energy Healer, Crystal Healer, you name it I have tried it. I am now doing yoga, I am vegan, and yesterday we tried Botox, the jury is out on this for at least a week to see if it works. Some have given brief relief but never for more than a day and usually just hours. I am on a cocktail of meds that allow me to survive my day and at times even enjoy it. I am now headed to a brain institute to see the best of the best and see if we can fix this.
The things, I have always enjoyed doing and a few I didn’t but now miss, I can no longer do. I can barely read or write, hence why my blog has been hit and miss. I am a sun worshipper and most days I can’t stand the light. My amazing and long-suffering husband now does all the cooking and most of the cleaning. Most days, the best I can do is get out of bed, hug my family, pick up a little, and sit. Every day, I have to make a decision on whether I will try to fight off the pain in order to experience life without the haze of narcotics or if I will drug myself up in order to be present enough to experience life with just a little pain. There is never a moment of the day where I am not in pain, medicated or not.
Why am I sharing this?
I want to be transparent with my clients, friends, and followers. I want to share my story because if it helps bring hope to even one person it is worth it. I have received so much help and hope from people who were willing to share their stories of pain to wellness. I want you to know that the work I ask you to do, I ask because I do it and it works. I want you to know I understand, I know how hard it can be. One of the things I tell my clients is the only thing they can control are their thoughts. As a recovering control freak, knowing there is something out there I can control has given me such pleasure. What I have learned is that even that isn’t true, all the time. Between the pain and medications there are times I cannot even decide the thoughts I think.
BUT, when I can choose them WOW!!!
That is when miracles happen. So often I have heard from my loved ones how unfair this is, how they wish this wasn’t happening, while this is well intended, these thoughts serve no one. I remind them and me that this is more than fair and exactly what I am suppose to be experiencing right now. Why? Because it is happening. I could argue with what is all day and at the end of the day, the pain will still be there. I will lose that fight every single time. That certainly doesn’t serve me or the family I so desperately want to get well for.
What thoughts am I choosing to think:
- This pain is a gift. I will be a better wife, mother, friend, and coach because or this.
- My health will be better from all the changes I have made.
- Everything is happening exactly as it should.
- This may be one of the best things that could happen to me.
- Gratitude has taken on a whole new meaning.
- I thought I couldn’t love my husband more than I did, I was wrong. I love him even more. He is the safest of safe places to fall.
- My children are learning compassion.
- My boys are learning how to be even more gentle and loving. They hold me while I cry from pain, they watch TV in my room with me, and are always asking what they can do to help. In a world that tells them that real men are “hard” they are rejecting this and embracing that real men are “safe and gentle”.
- My daughter’s health is getting better, as she has changed her life to support me. She too has seen a chiropractor, is now vegan, and is seeing the Ayurvedic Practitioner, too.
- I have been humbled in ways I didn’t even know possible.
- Pain is a teacher to the person in pain and the people who love the person in pain.
- I am an Epic Fucking Bad Ass! (Sorry mom and dad for the language. Thank you Anna Kunnucke for giving me permission to embrace my bad assery. 😉 )
When I think these thoughts I am able to face the pain. No, the pain doesn’t go away but my heart becomes full of possibilities and hope. No matter who you are, if you are in pain or love someone who is, no matter the tragedies you have faced or will face. You chose your thoughts. You cannot always choose the circumstances that happen to you but you get to decide what thoughts you are going to think and that will decide how you feel emotionally. Yes, it is okay to think crummy thoughts and to sit with the painful feelings but please don’t live there. There is beauty all around and hope awaits around the corner. The power of your feelings lie within you and not in your circumstances.
Now, I am going to start packing. I am headed next week to California for a week of relaxation, a few days at Omni La Costa Resort & Spa in Carlsbad and then a few days with one of my spiritual teachers. I trust that whatever happens on this trip, regardless of how I feel, is for my Greatest and Highest Good. After all I am an Epic Fucking Bad Ass, and I have a lot of learning to do, a lot of teaching to do, a lot of healing to do, a lot of people who are counting on me, and a WHOLE LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE!!!