Here I sit surrounded by sounds of family, a glass of wine, and a heart that is both heavy and full. My daughter is lying on the couch, Eli is playing with Odin, Joe is on his computer, and Eric came home and immediately started dinner. I don’t know if it is that we have been married for 20 years or that he loves me, I hope a little of both, but he knew that today I need to be taken care of. So I know in so many ways my life is blessed.
Another day, another doctor’s appointment, and yet even more questions. Oh and there are even bigger fears that I can’t even begin to write about or share. So I feel like I am constantly talking in circles. I find myself wanting to scream are you #^(#@ kidding me! Really! Can I have just one day where things make sense? One day where the biggest problem I encounter is what to wear. Then I feel guilty because I know there are people who have it much worse, so I really should count my blessings. Then I get mad because this is hard, this hurts, this is frustrating but the alternative is way worse. So yeah there is worse going on in the world but my little world is filled with big question marks and even bigger fears.
So, tomorrow we will go for more tests. We will wait again and hope for the best. I will walk the tightrope of hope and truth, wishing that denial was something that I could partake in. And I will try to memorize every line of my dad’s face, the feel of the skin of his hand, and look for similarities. I will laugh at his jokes, I will try to make him laugh, I will buy him donuts and remember that while I can’t keep him with me forever I can keep the memories of us together forever.
Oh and on a side note, “God never gives us more than we can bear” is a LOAD of Crap! Doesn’t help, don’t say it, you sound idiotic and it makes me want to slap you. However, it does make me giggle now as I type it, so I guess it is good for something. J