It is shocking when two days in a row; two people tell you that if you keep up your current pace they will not be surprised to see you dead in two years. Well talk about an unwelcome wake up call. I have been so scared and so busy holding it all together that I haven’t taken the time to stop and look in the mirror to see the cracks. I can’t do this anymore, I am stronger than I know but I am not strong enough to fight my battles and your battles at the same time. There are demons that are stronger than I.
I am not perfect
I cannot fix everything
I cannot prepare enough
I cannot be thin enough
I cannot be rich enough
I cannot be brave enough
I cannot be the priest you tell your sins to
I cannot be everyone’s daughter
I cannot be everyone’s mother
I have to stop! I must stop! I must be honest with everyone including myself. I know that this may hurt some people but I cannot carry their pain for them anymore, it is not mine to carry. I have to learn to listen with empathy but not take it upon myself. My soul has been screaming and it is time that I listen.. I cannot sugar coat the things you don’t want me to say, I have to say them. If you walk away I will miss you but if you walk that easy then you just prove you were undeserving of all I am and all I was giving to you. And truth be told you would have eventually walked away anyways. I cannot protect you and myself at the same time. All of that protecting has broken all of us.
I am taking a time out a time out to stop breathe, cry, feel, and heal. I am exactly where I need to be and I hope you will be there when I emerge but if you are not, go in peace and love and know that I love you and want the very best for you.